TRUE PRINGLES HORROR STORY

I went to the grocery store one evening after a stressful day at work. All I wanted to do was go straight home, crack open a cold one, and munch on some Pringles for a snack. As soon as I entered the chip aisle, I saw a strange man standing in front of the Pringles. Even from a distance, I instantly knew something was off about him. He was wearing dress pants and a dress shirt with a tie, but it looked like he'd taken them off a body from the cemetery. His demeanor was deeply off-putting. He stared at the Pringles like he was in a trance, and every few seconds, he would twitch and fidget. I thought he was on something, so I knew he could be dangerous if I got too close. For a moment, I considered just grabbing the Tostitos next to me and getting the hell out of there, but I didn't want some crackhead to keep me from getting the chips I wanted. I started pushing my cart toward him at a gradual pace so I didn't startle him. When I got within about 15 feet of him, he noticed me and finally looked away from the Pringles to stare me down with the eyes of a crazed freak. I tried to play it cool and kept inching forward to get what I wanted. When I was finally within arm's length of a can, the psycho suddenly grabbed every single one on the shelf and slammed them into his cart all at once. After he swept every single can of Pringles away, there was only one left on the shelf. I slowly reached for the can, preparing myself for the inevitable freak out when I touched it, but to my surprise, he didn't react. Instead, he just cracked a smile and started laughing like a psycho. "So, this was all some kind of joke to you? Real funny, man. Grow up and do some laundry!" I stormed off, thinking that it all had to be some kind of prank. I got in line for checkout, and by the time I was rolling my cart out the door, I wasn't even thinking about it. However, nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. "Oh man, I can't wait to get home. What a day! I don't want to do anything this weekend except get toasted and pound some Pringles down my esophagus." Pause. "You have got to be kidding me. Out of the whole parking lot, he had to park next to my car? No way am I loading my groceries next to that freak. I'm just going to move my car over there and not interact with this weirdo in any way whatsoever." "What the hell are you doing? Are you insane? Hey, that's my car! You're taking a dump next to my car? Go dump some logs in Dubai or with the two girls from one car video, you idiot! Thank God, are you done? Can you leave me alone now? You know that store had actual bathrooms you could use instead of my car and a Pringles can. No, no, no, no! What are you doing? You can't have more! Dear God, why in the hell are you doing this, you animal? Is anyone else seeing this? Am I going insane? Hello, there's a man taking a giant dump in the Pringles can next to my car! You sick freak, I get it now—it's all a big joke to you! No, you did not! Just please stop! Oh God, it's in my mouth! Somebody help me!" I eventually found my footing and ran away, but since that day, I can still smell and taste what was in those cans. I can still feel the impact, the sheer weight, and the disgusting texture of his crap on my face. No amount of therapy will ever make me forget that. When the cops were called and that psycho was arrested, he turned out to be a lawyer who had some kind of mental breakdown. He said he was just blowing off steam, but all I saw was him blowing big turds. All I know is that I'll never be able to look at a can of Pringles the same way again. This story was inspired by a bizarre case regarding a male attorney named Jack Allen Blakesley, who got suspended for at least six months after tossing a poop-filled Pringles can into the parking lot of a Victim Advocacy Center. Blakesley admitted during a disciplinary hearing that he threw the can from his car into the parking lot at least ten times to "blow off steam." Blakesley claimed that he was not targeting anyone but had a habit of defecating in Pringles cans. He later pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct and littering.